Tuesday, August 17, 2004


I can't do it anymore, I can't just sit here at work and put on a happy face. It has become too much to bear and I am ready to explode. Now I know certain people are going to say go back to school or apply for the big 90,000 dollar a year job at IBT. First let me answer the school comment, I would love to go take classes and learn new things, but I don't even know what I want to do anymore which makes it kind of wasteful and in the past when I took classes it just turned out to be a big fat waste because I never was able to use any of the knowledge I actually gained. Secondly I don't want to be a financial analyst, I don't want to be the guy who watches people work, writes it down and then passes it off to somebody so they can do the only part of it I actually enjoy. Yes its a lot of money, but well now money is great, but I am not about to go further from what I like to do just to make some more money. Besides since I have an inability to save money, it would just end up being rather wasteful.

The saddest part about the whole thing is I used to be positive working computers was where I wanted to be, given their logical manner and the constant problem solving. After sitting behind this desk for five years, I am beginning to question even this fundamental certainty I have had for years. Now have my feelings for this career changed because I don't actually enjoy it or is it because this job has caused me to view computers in a different light. I would like to think I truly do enjoy this field, but doing meaningless Access projects has sucked my will to code. Furthermore working in this giant grammar school like environment hasn't helped my feelings much.

Coming out of college I had this idea of a big corporate office being structured and very rigid about things. Nothing would be completed without proper documentation and written approval. A system where you could easily see goals, make movements upward into new positions because a heirarchy existed. Now I find that I work in a middle school where people interrupt you, destroying any bit of focus you may have had to answer a trivial question. I thought it was bad when people asked me to go out back for more oranges at the supermarket or asked where the apples were. At least they had the excuse that they might not be educated and weren't necessarily familiar with the store. The idiots at work just come up to me like I am their bitch and ask the simplest questions that, given five minutes of thought, they could have figured out themselves. Insead I sit back here put on a happy face and take care of their ridiculous request, while they go back to their desk to continue reading the latest news story about the Boston Red Sox. It gets worse if I do not respond to their request in a timely manner not only do they get irritated, but they go back to their desks surf the internet and complain about me. Of course when I walk by its all smiles and hellos, so the next time I will help them, but I know what is really going on in their heads.

Now this morning I have a meeting with my boss about possibly becoming the lead PC person, which means really nothing. I will make the same I am doing now, do the same tasks as right now, but for some reason it will officially rest on my shoulders and not his to do his job. If I say I don't want to do it, I will be doing it anyway and if I do decide to do it they will probably try to rope me in for another year. I keep telling myself October 26th is just around the corner and I will be able to post out of this group and November 15th is soon after that when I will finally be vested. Its possible there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the question is whether I can make it to the light. I have to fight the urge to just quit and go back to stocking produce at Shaw's, at least there was a variety of stupid people there instead of the same stupid people day in and day out.

"In a world of uncertainty, logic is only a spectator." - KWS

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